wedding

10 Things Every Newlywed Should Know

December 3, 2014 by Ann 1 Comment

My newest piece, “10 Things Every Newlywed Should Know,” is up at RELEVANT Magazine. It’s a letter I wrote to my newlywed self–one I wish I’d had for those early months and years of marriage. It’s also one that I would do well to re-read every day, as a reminder of what it means to live healthily and joyfully in a marriage that’s going to make it for the long haul. I hope it encourages you!

1. Repent and Forgive—Daily and Out Loud.

Marriage, in all of its glory, also brings up some ugly sins. When you know you have sinned against your spouse, humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. Out loud. And tell your spouse you forgive him or her—out loud.

Saying “I’m sorry” is different from asking “Will you forgive me?” Asking for forgiveness requires humility before God and your spouse that builds an incredible trust in marriage. Some days, you will need to repent to each other more times than you care to admit, and on those days it’s a good idea to go just to bed early and start over the next morning.

2. Lavish Your Time, Energy and Love on One Another.

There are seasons in life when you will be busier than you imagined. But if you have the time in these early months and years to spend together, take it! Enjoy one another, spend ridiculous amounts of time getting to know each other as husband and wife, laugh together, snuggle, share ideas, dream together out loud. Be one another’s biggest fans.

3. Enjoy Sex and Talk About it Together.

There’s a big learning curve in sex. It’s wonderful and difficult and fun and funny. Don’t forget that phrase your mentor told you: “there’s always an extra limb in sex that doesn’t fit anywhere!” But whatever you do, keep talking together about sex. Be gentle with the vulnerability offered from your spouse. Don’t blow anything off if your spouse brings it up; take it seriously. Satan wants to keep spouses silent in the broken places; by opening up about sex and talking through concerns and questions, you can avoid a lot of additional pain.

4. Find a Church Home and Plug In.

As important as it is to lavish on one another, ultimately, no marriage thrives well in a hermit hole. Find a community of believers and press in. Ask questions. Hang out with older married couples. Ask for help. Go to potlucks. Make friends and pursue those friendships.

Jesus loves the local church, and your marriage is a powerful part of what God is doing—in you and in the larger community you are a part of.

5. Set Aside a Date Night.

Once a week, minimum, for the rest of your lives. Build it into the budget. Intentionality equals trust and love.

Read the other five reminders over at RELEVANT!

Filed Under: God, Guest Post, Marriage, Truth-Telling Tagged With: Christianity, dating, faith, husband, Jesus, marriage, newlywed, RELEVANT, Relevant Magazine, spouse, things every newlywed should know, wedding, wife

Keeping Marriage Fresh and Fun

November 3, 2014 by Ann 1 Comment

When Michael and I got married, we had a lot of time to watch movies on the couch, take weekend trips away, and try new restaurants. Our marriage was at the front of our hearts, minds, and calendars; although we didn’t have a lot of money, we had time and creativity—two things more precious than any amount of gold.

Fast forward eight years and throw in a couple of demanding jobs, three grad school programs, a mortgage and a baby, and we discovered that there were two thousand other things that wanted to squeeze out that time and creativity that had been going into our marriage. Life got full. Too full. And our marriage was feeling the repercussions.

And so, to keep our marriage healthy and our lives sane, we stepped back and had to get really focused about making our relationship a priority. These ideas aren’t perfect, but they’ve helped us grow and maintain a marriage that we both love, and I hope they can encourage you, too!

1. We date each other. No, we don’t go out on elaborate dates every week. Or even once a month. But we do set aside one night every week that’s just for us. Because my husband often has evening meetings for work and I often have projects and grading at night, if we don’t carve out a specific time to meaningfully connect each week, it doesn’t happen. Some date nights are pizza and a movie on the couch, and some date nights I put on my heels and we walk around our city’s downtown, sharing ice cream and sitting in the park. Either way, we’re making us a priority.

2. We mix it up. You know that saying—“familiarity breeds contempt?” It doesn’t have to be true, but it can become true too easily if we fall into ruts in our marriage. If our time together is solely focused on managing a household, or if we only ever talk about work and how the kids are doing in school, we begin to feel disconnected and undervalued. One way to kick this pattern is to share a new experience together. See a show. Take some dance lessons. Try a new restaurant. When we step out of our zones of regularity, we get to see our spouse in a new light—something that can offer new opportunities for sparks to fly!

3. Two and Two. Over dinner, we often ask each other to share two feelings and two encouragements—an idea we stole from some of our friends. We each share about two distinct feelings we had during our day (“I felt excited when,” “I felt confused when,” etc.), and then we encourage our spouse in two ways (“I really appreciated that you took out the trash this morning,” “You looked so handsome today as you left for work.”) I’m always amazed at how far these little insights into each other’s days can help us connect meaningfully—and feel loved.

Marriage is a gift and a challenge, and as seasons of life change, other things will always seek to squeeze out the time we could give to our spouses. But with intentionality and cultivation, our marriages will grow—and flourish!

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: better marriage, Christian marriage, Christianity, date night, dating your spouse, faith, fun marriage, help for marriage, Jesus, keeping marriage fresh and fun, marriage, nonnegotiable date night, spouse, wedding

Locking and Unlocking: Wedding Vows

October 13, 2014 by Ann 3,100 Comments

This summer, we were at a family wedding, and it was all the things weddings are meant to be–joyful and poignant, beautiful and somber. The bride and groom are older than Michael and I were when we wed, but I still found myself amazed at how young they are, and how amazing it is that we promised ourselves these things when we just rounded the corner into our twenties.

There is a weightiness at a wedding that is halting, startling. The vows being made are so simple, and yet–and yet–they mean everything. To wed your life to another–to bind in the sense of “tying the knot”–it is a trembling, fearful thing. Not fear-full, but knee-knocking in its own right, because you are locking your life to another and tossing away the key.

To vow your life to another is to toss away the key to making decisions with only yourself in mind. It is to toss away the key to making yourself the highest priority. It is to toss away the key to having relationships that threaten the sacredness of the marriage. It is to toss away the key to a lot of freedoms that exist before that knot is tied.

But marriage also opens doors–more doors than I knew could open through just one other person. Marriage unlocks the mystery of another soul, offering glimpses of the brokenness and the glory of your spouse. It is a holy thing to see my husband at his worst and choose to love him, even as he does the same for me. It is a holy, holy thing to see my husband at his best and marvel that I am the one given the gift of being his partner.

Marriage unlocks a security and a safety that offers haven in a tumultuous world. Marriage unlocks silliness and goofiness and a deep sense of joy. And marriage, at its most beautiful and powerful, unlocks a picture of the love Christ has for his Church–no greater love, no greater tenderness.

This is what we glimpsed at the wedding this weekend. As observers of those vows, we had a peek–through a keyhole–of the doors they were locking and unlocking together. The fullness of the marriage is theirs alone, but it pointed us again to that most wonderful Love–and to the great wedding feast that is coming.

Filed Under: Life, Marriage, Uncategorized Tagged With: Christian marriage, Christian vows, family, marriage, marriage vows, wedding, wedding vows

Forty Years of Saying Yes

July 9, 2014 by Ann 1 Comment

This past week, my parents celebrated forty years of marriage. Forty years! What an amazing milestone. What an incredible thing to celebrate. We live in a culture that glorifies weddings but often slams marriages. And yet what I have seen through the marriage of my parents is something that both rises above culture and challenges it.

My mom grew up as a pastor’s kid; when my parents were married my grandpa did the officiating, and my dad wore a white tuxedo with a powder blue ruffled button down shirt that spilled out from the lapels. After the wedding my father serenaded my mother on the church steps with “The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi” (the man can sing), and they held a reception at the church with punch and cake.

Their wedding was simple. God was honored, promises were made, cake was cut. In the grand scheme of wedding history and the Pinterest-crazy weddings that now take place, their wedding would have seemed, I can imagine, very unimpressive.

But it is their marriage that has proven impressive. It is their marriage that has proven those simple vows true a hundred thousand times over. And I have been one of the closest witnesses to that marriage.

I lived in a home where my parents spoke love to one another and to us every day. “I love you” rang throughout our house like a bell, the echo of the words always hanging until the bell was rung again.

I lived in a home where my parents did fun things together, where they enjoyed one another. I watched them host dinner parties and also get dressed up for nights out. I loved that they went on dates together.

I lived in a home where my parents talked to one another—and to us—openly and honestly. We had dinner together as a family most nights of the week and we shared our days with one another regularly.

I lived in a home where my parents kissed each other often and unashamedly. There was very little that made me happier as a child than to see how genuinely my parents were in love.

I lived in home where my parents told us that they would never divorce and that they would always be together. I am eternally grateful that they meant it.

I lived in a home where my parents laughed. And laughed. And laughed. I lived in a home where we all laughed together so hard sometimes that we had to pull away from the dinner table to catch our breath.

Is our family perfect? Hardly. Is their marriage perfect? By no means. But for forty years my parents have lived out their promises and their love with faithfulness and with tenderness and with joy—so much joy. They have walked through deep trials, as every marriage does. They have walked through countless changes, as any marriage stretched over forty years is bound to walk through. But they have clung to Christ and to each other, and their marriage is a beautiful representation of the love of Christ and his church.

I am honored to know them as parents and also as friends. And I celebrate you, Mom and Dad. Your faithfulness in marriage has borne great fruit. Thank you for saying yes at the altar forty years ago. And thank you for continuing to say yes to God and to each other every day of those last forty years. I love you both more than I can say.

Filed Under: About, Marriage, Uncategorized Tagged With: 40th anniversary, anniversary, Christ-centered marriage, Christian marriage, Christian vows, family, Jesus, love, marriage, parents, tribute, wedding

Renewing Our Vows

May 5, 2014 by Ann Leave a Comment

May is our anniversary month; this year we will mark our eighth anniversary. We are on the far side of the first decade, now, and I am so, so grateful for our marriage.

A while ago, I wrote an article for Today’s Christian Woman about why we chose to renew our vows. I hope it encourages you–whether you are married or not. Marriage is a meant to be a beautiful picture of Christ and the Church, and Michael and I are seeking to reflect that in our own marriage, flawed as we are…

During our first year of marriage, Michael turned to me. I don’t remember the context or the occasion for his words, but I remember what he said. “Marriage isn’t celebrated nearly enough,” Michael said. “How about, every five years, we either throw a big party or go on a trip?”

I agreed and smiled, tucking away what he said in the back of my mind.

Last spring, as our five-year anniversary was approaching, I reminded Michael of those words.

“How about a vow-renewal party to celebrate five years?” I asked him. My little sister was getting married within the year, and I had been looking at wedding blogs and magazines with her. Vow renewals were becoming more popular, and as a romantic, I was smitten with the idea.

He raised his eyebrows quizzically. “What would that involve?”

“It would basically be a party where we have a short ceremony and say our marriage vows again. I think it would be a great chance to celebrate God’s faithfulness to us over these last five years.”

A week later, after thinking and praying together, we decided to nail down a date. “I love the idea,” Michael told me. “We can recommit to one another in front of our community and celebrate the gift of marriage together!”

A Community-Focused Celebration

Michael and I love our marriage, and although our marriage has not (yet) been long in years, we act as a source of counsel, encouragement, and challenge to many other couples in our church, where Michael is a pastor. We are strong proponents of marriage and love helping others catch the vision of biblically centered and peace-filled unions.

Together, we started brainstorming about the deeper purpose of our vow renewal.

“You know, we didn’t know any of the people in our church when we got married five years ago,” I mentioned to him.

Michael was nodding. “It’s crazy, isn’t it? Because we moved to a different church, our entire community has changed since the wedding. So many times, I’ve thought about how strange it is that none of our current friends were there when we got married.”

“Right! And I know that they know we’re committed to our marriage vows, but there is something really meaningful about speaking vows in front of people who see you week in and week out.”

Michael was tapping his pen on the kitchen table. “That’s a big part of the reason I’m really getting excited about this party. Saying our vows again—with our friends there—gives us and them a higher level of accountability in our marriage.” He stopped tapping his pen and looked at me, then at the list of people we were going to invite. “This will be so fun.”

Read the rest of the article here.

Filed Under: About, Marriage Tagged With: anniversary, believer, Christian marriage, Christian vow renewal, faith, Jesus, marriage, promise, vow, vow renewal, wedding

The Best Day of My Life Was Not My Wedding Day

March 20, 2014 by Ann 10 Comments

I recently had a former student email me some questions she had. She was wrestling through things in that email, big questions about life and living as a woman in our culture, and something she wrote struck me like a bell. She said that our culture points to the belief that a woman’s wedding day–the day those vows are made at the altar–is the best day of your life.

She is single. She is wondering if she will have that day. But you know what she wrote me, what floored and humbled me?

She wrote that she is choosing to believe that the day she vowed her life to Jesus was the best day of her life.

Yes, I say in response. Yes and yes and yes again. And so, here is my response to her:

Yes, the day you gave your life to Jesus was the best day of your life. It always will be.

But first, you must come to terms with the fact that you have not had a wedding day. That day you long for–it was not that. You did not walk down any aisle draped in layers of white, and you did not have a hundred guests watching you pace in time with beautiful music. You did not lock your eyes with a man who had won your heart for months and years, with a man who had paid for a diamond that sparkled like fire on your hand.

You did not stand in front of a priest or a pastor and promise all faithfulness unto death, for richer or poorer, for better and worse.

The best day of your life was not your wedding day. This day is even better. Share on X

You did not have a reception afterwards where you toasted and cut cake and danced and laughed and hugged.

You have not had any of that. I can offer no promises to you that you will have any of that before you die.

But here is what you have had, sister and friend. On that day when you gave your life to Jesus, whether you were four or fourteen or twenty-four: here is what did happen.

You walked down the aisle of your life covered, like me, in the rags of brokenness and shame. Thousands upon thousands of angels looked on and celebrated–God himself, in fact, celebrated your steps toward himself. You looked at the Man waiting for you there–the One who had been wooing you and had finally won your heart over months and years, the man who paid for your life not in diamonds but with his own blood.

You stood in front of him, both High Priest and Shepherd, and accepted him. And then he made promises to you–promises of faithfulness unto death, promises of giving you true riches, promises of never leaving or forsaking you.

And you left that moment clothed in his righteousness that covered–removed–all of those rags you had come to him with. You left as one washed clean and made pure.

The Great Reception is coming–a party that will surpass all others. There, you will share a cup with Him and there will be music and laughter and hugging so rich that all eternity will hardly be enough to contain it.

So yes, that day–that day when you gave your life to Jesus was the best day of your life. It was mine, too.

Filed Under: God, Marriage, Truth-Telling Tagged With: best day of my life, bride, Christian marriage, Christianity, faith, groom, Jesus, love, marriage, salvation, wedding