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So You Say You’re a Church Lady: An Interview With Kristi James

July 7, 2014 by Ann 2 Comments

Friends, you are in for a treat today. Kristi James of And Babies Don’t Keep is here today for the Church Lady series I have been running on Mondays. I have connected with Kristi through social media and–let me tell you–this woman is choosing Jesus! I love hearing her heart for the church and I think you’ll agree with me that her yes to God is beautiful because it is costing her something–and yet it is a sacrifice she is willing to give Him because He is worthy! If you don’t know Kristi, you can connect with her at her blog, on Facebook, or through Twitter and Instagram! She’s a woman worth getting to know.

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1. Tell us a little bit about the church you’re apart of.

Duff and I are planting City Church, in Asheville, NC. We moved here 3 years ago (after being asked by our Presbytery) and spent about 6 months getting to know (and falling in love with) the city before officially starting. We did what we said we’d never do – a parachute plant – which means we dropped in on our own, without a core group waiting for us. Asheville is a phenomenal city, and while it’s in the south, it’s more eclectic than most of the surrounding areas. So if we’re going to use the Bible Belt metaphor, Asheville might be the handmade belt buckle (think hipster, not cowboy), rather than part of the actual belt itself.

That’s to say that things are different here, including our church plant. We gathered a core group over the first couple of years, and then watched half of them leave, over time, for more stable jobs. God has done so many things along the way to remind us that this is his church, he loves it more than we can imagine. That helps a great deal as we’ve watched friends leave town or felt especially small or alone. At this point, we’re made up of about 20 people, meeting Sunday afternoons for worship and Wednesday evenings in a small group setting. Ultimately, we want to be a church where people can explore the claims of Jesus, experience the grace of God in community, employ their resources for the glory of God and the welfare of our city, and extend the hope of Jesus to Asheville and beyond.

2. What does it look like, in your life, to be an active part of your church?
Being an active member of a church is SO good. It took until halfway through college for me to understand that. Also, I worked at a church after college, so I was expected to be there, and that helped me settle into the habit of church, which lead me to a deeper appreciation for not just being present, but being involved.

So today, I’m the church planter’s wife and I have three young kids (Olivia is 4, Eliza is almost 3, and Piper is 5 months old). So sometimes what it looks like is me, walking into church feeling lonely (because Duff has been gone all day) and needy (because…kids…) and walking out a few hours later knowing that I’m not alone, after watching our church family love my biological family well.

As far as what I do for/with/at church, I coordinate the childcare (terribly, I might add), I/we offer our home several times a week for official and unofficial church stuff. I used to lead our women’s small group but we split that up in preparation for Piper’s birth, so sometimes I lead and sometimes I have the privilege of soaking up what my friends have to share with us from scripture.

Mostly? I feel like my biggest responsibility is caring for Duff. Listening as he works out his sermons, freeing him to go drive through the mountains if he’s wrestling with something, being frustrated with him when things aren’t going the way we’d like, celebrating with him when things fall into place, and reminding him that while his calling in this is unique, he’s not alone. I don’t do that perfectly, by any means, but it’s my favorite part.

3. How are your unique gifts and abilities strengthened by being part of a local church?
At our former church, there were multiple pastors and multiples pastor’s wives and I was the youngest by at least 12 years. I wasn’t really needed like we sometimes picture the pastor’s wife being needed (to play piano and make casseroles), which was nice, in a way. But here, we’re it. And I think that’s been good for both of us. When your church family is looking at you to teach, you teach. And then you realize that you kind of love that. When someone in your church has a new baby, you walk through that adjustment, reminding them that while you’ve got three now, once upon a time, you only had one, and you felt alone and confused and totally delighted all at once, too. When a couple needs some help working through issues in their marriage, you have them over, and you and your counselor-husband listen to them and encourage them and pray with them.

I would say that being here in this role has allowed (and required) me to stick my toe in the waters of things I hoped I could do, like teaching and writing and being passionate about reminding each other that we are dearly loved children.

4. How has being part of a church challenged and changed you?
Being part of a church can be so hard! And I think sometimes we’re surprised by that. When I was in college, I went through a break-up that changed everything for me (for the better, actually). But afterwards, I would sometimes see this guy at church. For an entire year, I felt sick to my stomach driving to church, and I’d pray, “God please help me be a woman of grace and ease. Please help me be a woman of grace and ease. Please help me to not throw up, and please help me be a woman of grace and ease.” I felt most vulnerable in the place where I wanted to feel the safest.

But I kept going. Because I needed church, even though it was hard. I wasn’t always immediately welcomed by people who made me feel super comfortable. I didn’t always feel known or even noticed by my pastor. It took work! But it was something I needed to be able to make it through the week. Duff talks about God’s people coming in, gathering together to remember God’s truth, to be sent back out. And I needed that, I needed to come in and be reminded, so that I could go back out.

I don’t always feel such intense feelings about church. Like most Christians, sometimes it’s hard for me to want to go. But I choose to go, to stay, to commit, because God says that’s the best way to live. It’s like being part of your family. You’re bound together, and that doesn’t mean it’s always easy or comfortable, or that people are always good and kind, but when you’re committed it means you can make it through mistakes and brokenness and find love and safety within the bounds of that family.

5. Why do you value church? What do you love about church?
Guys, this is kind of hard for me to write! All of these questions are. Church is hard right now. Church planting is vulnerable business and I’m kind of tired of being vulnerable. In Genesis, when God makes the covenant with Abraham, he cuts and animal in half and lays it open. Normally, when making a covenant, the two parties would walk through together, as if to say, “May this happen to me if I break this covenant, if I don’t keep my end of the deal.” When God made the covenant with Abraham, he passed through it alone, as if to say, “I’m covering your half. You cannot do this. You would be laid out like this if you tried. But I will do it for you. I’ll cover my part and yours.” I know this is kind of a jump, but on the hard days, I feel laid out like that animal. I know I can’t keep my end of the deal. I can’t make this church happen or be the perfect wife or mom. Church planting highlights all of the hard truths for me.

When I feel laid out, cut in two, wide open and vulnerable, that picture of God passing through, covering all parts, is incredibly comforting. Often the church is the biggest source of anxiety in my life. But I love it fiercely because it is also where I am directed to my only relief, my only hope.

I value the church because Jesus did. Jesus said this church is my bride. It’s a messy, unfaithful, screwed up bride but I love her and I’ll do anything to hold her close. I’ll pass through both sides of the animal for her.

So, while I know that Jesus loves me,
Kristi James,
wife of Duff
and mom to Liv, Eliza, and Piper,
she who doesn’t really like chicken but could eat tacos every day,
she who can’t spell vinaigrette without spellcheck,
and she who thought she was “campy” but turns out to be “glampy…”

I also know that it’s not just about me and him, Jesus and me, it’s about us, his people, his ecclesia, his church. We are not alone in this, he’s given us to each other, and I love that. I won’t miss out on that.

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Kristi, you’ve got such a great heart! Thank you for making the time to articulate your insights for us–I am so thankful! Go get to know this powerhouse woman more over at her blog!

Filed Under: So You Say You're a Church Lady Series, Uncategorized Tagged With: Babies don't keep, church, church lady, church lady blog, church planting, God, great commission, Jesus, kids, Kristi James, ministry wife, pastor, pastor's wife

So You Say You’re a Church Lady: My Response

June 30, 2014 by Ann 3 Comments

I’m adding my own voice to the Church Lady series today—not because I think I’m a “powerhouse woman” by any means, but because I love the church and wanted to share my heart for the church with you, my readers! The other women who I have interviewed so far have inspired and challenged me, and I am grateful for each one of them. I hope my thoughts can add even just a little more fuel to the fire of our passion for Jesus and His church!

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1. Tell us a little bit about the church that you’re a part of.

My husband is the College Pastor at Antioch Community Church in Wheaton, a non-denominational church in the Chicago suburbs. Our local church is part of a larger church-planting organization (Antioch International Movement of Churches) that has multiple churches in the US and overseas!

2. What does it look like, in your life, to be an active part of your church?

Even before Michael stepped in to full-time ministry, we were always actively involved in church. Now that he’s a pastor, it is just a little more “official.” I help him lead the college ministry by discipling female leaders, hosting and helping lead small groups, and generally just being available for whatever our church needs, whether that is showing up for a meeting, helping with a retreat, or bringing food to an event!

3. How are your unique gifts and abilities strengthened by being part of a local church?

The church is amazing because it’s the place where a bunch of amateurs get to do meaningful, life-changing work. I say that with deep joy and love—I’m thankful that God uses amateurs! My gifts of developing and discipling other women flourish in the church even though I don’t have any formal training in that area. But God has taught me through his word and through his presence and through his people how to love and lead others in the church.

I went to school for many years in order to get the academic degrees that I have—degrees that give me the credentials I need to teach at the college level and have access to impacting the lives of my students every week. But I don’t have to hold a degree to impact others at church. My life and the fruit of my life are the things that matter within the walls of the church—and I can impact others without having any fancy letters behind my name. We all can. That’s a huge relief—and a high calling.

4. How has being part of a church challenged and changed you?

I am an achiever, and I like being able to move from one task to another with purpose and clarity. Church doesn’t work that way, because people don’t work that way. People—who the church is made up of—need love, cultivation, guidance, accountability…the list goes on. I need all of those things; you need all of those things. But we don’t move from one plane of growth to another seamlessly. “Through many trials, thorns, and snares I have already come…” Church is the place where we help one another through those trials and where we help one another continue to say yes to Jesus. It’s difficult at times. Very difficult. People don’t always respond well to pain or to challenge—I sure don’t 100 percent of the time! But as I continue to learn to love God’s people, I continue to learn more about the boundless love of Christ. And that is what has both challenged and changed me. God’s love is changing his people, and it’s changing me as I learn to love them.

5. Why do you value church? What do you love about church?

I value Church because Jesus values Church—if His bride was worth his life then it can certainly be worth mine. My time, my energy, my heart, my tears, my life—it all belongs to Christ. If he spent all he had for the people of God, I want to give my life doing the same.

Filed Under: About, So You Say You're a Church Lady Series Tagged With: church, church lady, family, Jesus, ministry, pastor, pastor's wife, pastoring, women in ministry

Why Your Pastor Needs a High Five and a Cup of Coffee

April 28, 2014 by Ann Leave a Comment

I love church. I really do. I love the Church with a capital “C”—the church universal that Jesus died for, filled with every tribe and nation and people and tongue. And I love our particular church that meets in a gym every Sunday and has so many new babies in the congregation that our nursery is overrun. I’ve written about it before, but I care about the church, and I believe that every person who follows Jesus is called to love and serve a local church body.

With my favorite pastor and our baby girl

One of the many things I have realized, since becoming a pastor’s wife, is that most pastors live in the simultaneous reality of 1.) loving what they do and 2.) being tired. Sometimes, they are just kind of tired. But other times, they are very, very tired. Getting to pastor the people of God is an incredible gift, but it is also a job that doesn’t have very clear start and end times. Ministering is messy; people don’t have important questions and life crises only between the hours of 8 am and 6 pm. Work and ministry and life bleed into one another. And yes, sometimes pastors need better boundaries. But sometimes life and ministry are one and the same thing—and that’s ok. But it can also be tiring.

I don’t know who your pastor is (unless you go to my church, and then I do! ::hi!::), and I don’t know what kind of season your pastor is in. But I can guarantee that every pastor appreciates encouragement. Your pastor probably loves pastoring, but is probably kind of tired on some level, too—as most of us are. Here are some simple ways to encourage the pastors in your life:

1. Say thank you. Say thank you on Sunday. Send a quick note of thanks to their office. Write an email thanking him or her for a something specific. This will go so, so much farther than you think.

2. Drop coffee–or food–off at the office. Find out when the weekly staff meeting is and drop by with donuts or coffee. You just made the staff’s entire week. They will know they are loved and thought of other than just on Sundays.

3. Invite the pastor’s family over for dinner. They may not be able to come, but either way they will feel loved. And, if they can come, great! Get to know each other a bit better.

4. Speak well of them behind their backs. There’s a lot of pastor-bashing out there, and every pastor knows it. Having someone who will say something nice about you to others–that’s a true gift.

5. Give your pastor a break. Was the sermon *not the best* this week? Did he seem a little grumpy after service? Extend grace. You never know what was going on behind the scenes. We all have rough days–or weeks–at work. It’s just that, as a pastor, lots of people expect you to be really good at what you do all the time. It’s not possible. Acknowledging that your pastor is a broken human gives him the space he needs to extend grace to himself, too.