marriage – Page 2

Today’s Christian Woman: Best of 2014

December 24, 2014 by Ann Leave a Comment

As a writer, it is always a joy to have my work published–the fact that anyone else reads the words that I spend my time laboring over is always a gift to me. I just found out that one of the pieces I wrote earlier this year for Today’s Christian Woman (where I am a regular contributor) was named as one of their best articles of 2014. I am so grateful and thankful for this honor!

You can read the Best of 2014 list at Today’s Christian Woman here–and give yourself some reading time; there are beautiful articles in this list!

Filed Under: God, Guest Post, Marriage, Writing Tagged With: Best of 2014, Christianity, faith, good wife, Jesus, marriage, Today's Christian Woman, Writing

10 Things Every Newlywed Should Know

December 3, 2014 by Ann 1 Comment

My newest piece, “10 Things Every Newlywed Should Know,” is up at RELEVANT Magazine. It’s a letter I wrote to my newlywed self–one I wish I’d had for those early months and years of marriage. It’s also one that I would do well to re-read every day, as a reminder of what it means to live healthily and joyfully in a marriage that’s going to make it for the long haul. I hope it encourages you!

1. Repent and Forgive—Daily and Out Loud.

Marriage, in all of its glory, also brings up some ugly sins. When you know you have sinned against your spouse, humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. Out loud. And tell your spouse you forgive him or her—out loud.

Saying “I’m sorry” is different from asking “Will you forgive me?” Asking for forgiveness requires humility before God and your spouse that builds an incredible trust in marriage. Some days, you will need to repent to each other more times than you care to admit, and on those days it’s a good idea to go just to bed early and start over the next morning.

2. Lavish Your Time, Energy and Love on One Another.

There are seasons in life when you will be busier than you imagined. But if you have the time in these early months and years to spend together, take it! Enjoy one another, spend ridiculous amounts of time getting to know each other as husband and wife, laugh together, snuggle, share ideas, dream together out loud. Be one another’s biggest fans.

3. Enjoy Sex and Talk About it Together.

There’s a big learning curve in sex. It’s wonderful and difficult and fun and funny. Don’t forget that phrase your mentor told you: “there’s always an extra limb in sex that doesn’t fit anywhere!” But whatever you do, keep talking together about sex. Be gentle with the vulnerability offered from your spouse. Don’t blow anything off if your spouse brings it up; take it seriously. Satan wants to keep spouses silent in the broken places; by opening up about sex and talking through concerns and questions, you can avoid a lot of additional pain.

4. Find a Church Home and Plug In.

As important as it is to lavish on one another, ultimately, no marriage thrives well in a hermit hole. Find a community of believers and press in. Ask questions. Hang out with older married couples. Ask for help. Go to potlucks. Make friends and pursue those friendships.

Jesus loves the local church, and your marriage is a powerful part of what God is doing—in you and in the larger community you are a part of.

5. Set Aside a Date Night.

Once a week, minimum, for the rest of your lives. Build it into the budget. Intentionality equals trust and love.

Read the other five reminders over at RELEVANT!

Filed Under: God, Guest Post, Marriage, Truth-Telling Tagged With: Christianity, dating, faith, husband, Jesus, marriage, newlywed, RELEVANT, Relevant Magazine, spouse, things every newlywed should know, wedding, wife

Connecting after Kids

November 5, 2014 by Ann 4 Comments

My newest piece is up today at Today’s Christian Woman–an article about how Michael and I sought to intentionally connect as a married couple (and not just as parenting partners) after having our daughter. What follows is an abbreviated version of the full article, which you can read here!

Pregnancy was difficult for me. Recovery from an unexpected C-section was difficult for me. The initial transition into motherhood was difficult for me. The lack of sleep was difficult for me. Why I expected our marriage to fly through all of these difficulties without any significant emotional ramifications is beyond me. Maybe it’s because, after being married for seven years, I assumed we would continue to connect well and operate the same way.

I was wrong.

It’s not that Michael and I didn’t still love each other. It’s not that we didn’t continue to have date nights. It’s not that we didn’t still spend time together. But it felt . . . different. I felt different. At times, I felt overwhelmed by how much my daughter needed me and by how little time there was to do anything other than care for her. As we emerged from the newborn stage, I found myself unsure about how to continue to invest in and develop my own passions, let alone the connection points in our marriage, when I felt so immersed in this new, tiny life.

Our marriage didn’t feel the same.

Looking back, I can say now to myself: of course it wasn’t the same. You had a baby. Your attentions are now divided. Your hormones are out of whack. You are a family of three rather than two. The external change is huge; the emotional change will be huge too.

But I didn’t have those thoughts then. I just had a lot of feelings—and primarily, I felt less connected to my husband than I ever had before. I didn’t want this shift to lead to a slow fade of operating as parenting partners rather than emotionally connected spouses.

As we talked with each other and with friends, we both committed, again, to making sure our marriage thrived in every season of life—including this new one with a baby. So we kicked our intentionality up a notch and made connecting as a married couple—and not just as parenting partners—a top priority in our lives.

The most important part of connecting as spouses? Prayer. We prayed—individually and together—for God’s grace and wisdom as we sought to stay meaningfully united in this new stage of life.

With God’s help, we also made several practical choices. First, we pared down our schedule. We had both been carrying full schedules before Ella was born; after her birth we realized our pace of life was not sustainable if we wanted to continue to have a healthy marriage. Michael took a break from graduate school, and while we kept attending a small group at church, we stepped down from leading it.

Secondly, we worked to share new experiences together. Parenting Ella was a new experience we loved, but we needed to continue to invest in our relationship as friends and lovers. Due to our exhaustion, date night had become routine—dinner at home and Shark Tank on the couch. So we mixed things up. We went to a matinee downtown. We went to a friend’s wedding without our daughter, even though she was invited. We took a vacation. These experiences offered new avenues within which our relationship could grow.

Marriage is about the God our marriage is meant to point to; it is about us looking and loving more like Jesus. Share on X

Thirdly, we went to a counseling and marriage retreat. With the help of a Christian counselor, we were given practical tools for how to grow together emotionally in this new season of life. We walked away from that week with a shared grid for how to encourage and support one another better.

But there’s no quick solution or easy answer to navigating these new waters since becoming parents. Our marriage has changed emotionally—as well as physically and practically—because we have changed. The transformation into becoming parents together has been a beautiful, stressful change for us, and with every new stage our daughter grows into, our marriage will have to grow as well. Our needs and hers are constantly shifting, and it will continue to take great intentionality and time—as well as heartfelt engagement with one another—to stay emotionally connected.

What does stay the same is God, along with the promises we made to one another at the altar so many years ago. We are committed to keeping our marriage as healthy as we can because, ultimately, our marriage isn’t about us. It is about the God our marriage is meant to point to; it is about us looking and loving more like Jesus; and it is also, now, about a little girl who is toddling around our home. That is worth our time, our love, our intentionality, and our commitment—in any season of life.

Read the full article here at Today’s Christian Woman!

Filed Under: Baby, God, Marriage, Motherhood, Parenting Tagged With: Christian marriage, Christianity, connecting after kids, connecting with your spouse, date night, faith, husband, intentional marriage, Jesus, keeping marriage fresh, marriage, marriage after baby, wife

Keeping Marriage Fresh and Fun

November 3, 2014 by Ann 1 Comment

When Michael and I got married, we had a lot of time to watch movies on the couch, take weekend trips away, and try new restaurants. Our marriage was at the front of our hearts, minds, and calendars; although we didn’t have a lot of money, we had time and creativity—two things more precious than any amount of gold.

Fast forward eight years and throw in a couple of demanding jobs, three grad school programs, a mortgage and a baby, and we discovered that there were two thousand other things that wanted to squeeze out that time and creativity that had been going into our marriage. Life got full. Too full. And our marriage was feeling the repercussions.

And so, to keep our marriage healthy and our lives sane, we stepped back and had to get really focused about making our relationship a priority. These ideas aren’t perfect, but they’ve helped us grow and maintain a marriage that we both love, and I hope they can encourage you, too!

1. We date each other. No, we don’t go out on elaborate dates every week. Or even once a month. But we do set aside one night every week that’s just for us. Because my husband often has evening meetings for work and I often have projects and grading at night, if we don’t carve out a specific time to meaningfully connect each week, it doesn’t happen. Some date nights are pizza and a movie on the couch, and some date nights I put on my heels and we walk around our city’s downtown, sharing ice cream and sitting in the park. Either way, we’re making us a priority.

2. We mix it up. You know that saying—“familiarity breeds contempt?” It doesn’t have to be true, but it can become true too easily if we fall into ruts in our marriage. If our time together is solely focused on managing a household, or if we only ever talk about work and how the kids are doing in school, we begin to feel disconnected and undervalued. One way to kick this pattern is to share a new experience together. See a show. Take some dance lessons. Try a new restaurant. When we step out of our zones of regularity, we get to see our spouse in a new light—something that can offer new opportunities for sparks to fly!

3. Two and Two. Over dinner, we often ask each other to share two feelings and two encouragements—an idea we stole from some of our friends. We each share about two distinct feelings we had during our day (“I felt excited when,” “I felt confused when,” etc.), and then we encourage our spouse in two ways (“I really appreciated that you took out the trash this morning,” “You looked so handsome today as you left for work.”) I’m always amazed at how far these little insights into each other’s days can help us connect meaningfully—and feel loved.

Marriage is a gift and a challenge, and as seasons of life change, other things will always seek to squeeze out the time we could give to our spouses. But with intentionality and cultivation, our marriages will grow—and flourish!

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: better marriage, Christian marriage, Christianity, date night, dating your spouse, faith, fun marriage, help for marriage, Jesus, keeping marriage fresh and fun, marriage, nonnegotiable date night, spouse, wedding

Locking and Unlocking: Wedding Vows

October 13, 2014 by Ann 3,100 Comments

This summer, we were at a family wedding, and it was all the things weddings are meant to be–joyful and poignant, beautiful and somber. The bride and groom are older than Michael and I were when we wed, but I still found myself amazed at how young they are, and how amazing it is that we promised ourselves these things when we just rounded the corner into our twenties.

There is a weightiness at a wedding that is halting, startling. The vows being made are so simple, and yet–and yet–they mean everything. To wed your life to another–to bind in the sense of “tying the knot”–it is a trembling, fearful thing. Not fear-full, but knee-knocking in its own right, because you are locking your life to another and tossing away the key.

To vow your life to another is to toss away the key to making decisions with only yourself in mind. It is to toss away the key to making yourself the highest priority. It is to toss away the key to having relationships that threaten the sacredness of the marriage. It is to toss away the key to a lot of freedoms that exist before that knot is tied.

But marriage also opens doors–more doors than I knew could open through just one other person. Marriage unlocks the mystery of another soul, offering glimpses of the brokenness and the glory of your spouse. It is a holy thing to see my husband at his worst and choose to love him, even as he does the same for me. It is a holy, holy thing to see my husband at his best and marvel that I am the one given the gift of being his partner.

Marriage unlocks a security and a safety that offers haven in a tumultuous world. Marriage unlocks silliness and goofiness and a deep sense of joy. And marriage, at its most beautiful and powerful, unlocks a picture of the love Christ has for his Church–no greater love, no greater tenderness.

This is what we glimpsed at the wedding this weekend. As observers of those vows, we had a peek–through a keyhole–of the doors they were locking and unlocking together. The fullness of the marriage is theirs alone, but it pointed us again to that most wonderful Love–and to the great wedding feast that is coming.

Filed Under: Life, Marriage, Uncategorized Tagged With: Christian marriage, Christian vows, family, marriage, marriage vows, wedding, wedding vows

Receiving Grace: Friendship that Points to Jesus

September 17, 2014 by Ann 2 Comments

Things have been a little quieter around here, in large part because I’m back to teaching. But they’re also quieter because I’ve intentionally pulled back a bit. I’ve realized, over the last month, that my heart simply needs more time away from the screen, and even from the words that I love so much. More time to rest, more time to think, more time to journal, more time to pray. I need more time with my husband, I need more time with my little girl, I need more time with the women who hold up my arms as a new mom and are in these beautiful and difficult trenches with me.

I have been feeling soul-tired lately, and when that happens its time to get back to the basics: Jesus, family, friends, sleep. As a chronic over-achiever, I would like to think that I can push through anything, but that’s not the case.

And, so, I am slowing in the ways that I can. And I am opening up these soul-tired places in me to my friends. I am sharing my life with them so that they can speak truth, offer encouragement, and point me to Jesus. These are the things we have been doing for each other for years; lately, though, I find I am more on the receiving end than usual. And that’s ok. We all have seasons where we need others to offer their strength to us. I’m grateful.

My real-life friends are central in this journey I am living. But next week, I am also thankful that I get to go and make some new friends–and turn online friends into real-life friends. I’m headed to the Influence Conference, which focuses on keeping Jesus at the center of our online lives–something so beautiful and so necessary.

For those women who I will meet there, we are sharing a link-up. So here’s a bit about me: I’m a wife, mom, pastor’s wife, and college instructor. I was in school for most of my life as a student, and now I’m still in school–but on the other side of the classroom. I teach creative writing and creative nonfiction courses to college students, and I love it. I also write for multiple publications and love speaking to groups of women. My husband is my best friend and February will mark 10 years of dating (we’ve been married for 8+ of those years). I hope we have a good 60+ years left together! Our daughter, Ella, was born on our seventh anniversary and she is a delight!

I’m very much looking forward to the Strategy classes, and you’ll rarely find me without a cardigan (I get cold easily…and I’m a teacher. Ha!).

I’d love to meet you online as we prepare for #influenceconf, and I’m so looking forward to giving you a hug in person next week! Here’s to making much of Jesus!

Filed Under: About, God, Teaching Tagged With: anniversary, Christianity, faith, Influence Conference, Influence Network, marriage, mom, motherhood, my soul is tired, soul tired, Writer, Writing