I am so honored that fellow blogger Emily Gardner asked me to be a part of her latest series, “Perspectives on Motherhood and Writing.” She asked great questions about what writing looks like in the season of motherhood. I’d love for you to click over and read the full interview–and check out her lovely blog in the process!
Thanks again for including me, Emily! It was a blessing!
I was at the grocery store for approximately the 18th time last week, making my way past the cheese section while Ella munched on a Mum-Mum in the grocery cart seat.
That’s when I heard it.
Crying.
But it wasn’t really crying, I’m I’m going to be honest. It was screaming. One of those mad wails that had escalated into hysterical screaming somewhere between the rotisserie chicken and the pre-made deli plates.
I was curious, I’ll be honest. I rolled the cart a little faster as Ella clutched her Mum. I wanted to see if someone was hurt, or if it was just a child losing his mind.
It was the latter. As I watched, I saw the mom grab an iPad out of the boy’s hands, which doubled his screaming efforts. Admittedly, the noise level was impressive. The scream-crying echoed through the grocery store and bounced off of the countless metal surfaces with incredible resonance; this child had lungs. And I saw why: the boy was older than I had expected him to be–maybe six, maybe seven years old. His brother sat, unmoving, next to him in the body of the cart while this seven-year-old had a fully committed meltdown right in the middle of the ready-to-eat food aisle.
And then I watched as the mom rolled–no, raced–her cart to the store’s exit. She grabbed the hands of her sons–one of them still screaming–and ran out of the store. She was panicked; her body language spoke that harried tilt that moms know all too well. It’s the tilt that belies what’s underneath–all of the anxieties, all of the fears, all of the things we wish we could fix or stop or pause but can’t.
Her cart, half-full, was abandoned by the automatic doors.
I made my way down the long aisle and over to the lonely cart and looked out the front doors, hoping she was still there.
Because I wanted to tell her this:
It’s ok. You’re ok. Nobody but you will remember this.
I wanted to say to her:
I don’t judge you. I don’t think you’re a bad mom. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I wanted to hold her hand and speak:
We’ve all had those days. Those bad days. The days where even the iPad and the extra snacks and the favorite toy won’t help. I’m sorry today was your bad day. I hope that you don’t have bad days most days, but even if you do, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. It just means it’s hard.
I wanted to let her know:
You’re not alone. I can imagine you’re doing your best. And if your best wasn’t enough today, tomorrow is another shot at this crazy-hard thing called mothering.
And I wanted to finish her grocery shopping for her and hug her and let her know that I understand that she’s trying, even if it’s hard. Because this being a mom thing–it is hard.
And next week it might be my kid screaming in aisle one. If it is, I’ll take a hug. And some chocolate.
My newest piece is up today at Today’s Christian Woman–an article about how Michael and I sought to intentionally connect as a married couple (and not just as parenting partners) after having our daughter. What follows is an abbreviated version of the full article, which you can read here!
Pregnancy was difficult for me. Recovery from an unexpected C-section was difficult for me. The initial transition into motherhood was difficult for me. The lack of sleep was difficult for me. Why I expected our marriage to fly through all of these difficulties without any significant emotional ramifications is beyond me. Maybe it’s because, after being married for seven years, I assumed we would continue to connect well and operate the same way.
I was wrong.
It’s not that Michael and I didn’t still love each other. It’s not that we didn’t continue to have date nights. It’s not that we didn’t still spend time together. But it felt . . . different. I felt different. At times, I felt overwhelmed by how much my daughter needed me and by how little time there was to do anything other than care for her. As we emerged from the newborn stage, I found myself unsure about how to continue to invest in and develop my own passions, let alone the connection points in our marriage, when I felt so immersed in this new, tiny life.
Our marriage didn’t feel the same.
Looking back, I can say now to myself: of course it wasn’t the same. You had a baby. Your attentions are now divided. Your hormones are out of whack. You are a family of three rather than two. The external change is huge; the emotional change will be huge too.
But I didn’t have those thoughts then. I just had a lot of feelings—and primarily, I felt less connected to my husband than I ever had before. I didn’t want this shift to lead to a slow fade of operating as parenting partners rather than emotionally connected spouses.
As we talked with each other and with friends, we both committed, again, to making sure our marriage thrived in every season of life—including this new one with a baby. So we kicked our intentionality up a notch and made connecting as a married couple—and not just as parenting partners—a top priority in our lives.
The most important part of connecting as spouses? Prayer. We prayed—individually and together—for God’s grace and wisdom as we sought to stay meaningfully united in this new stage of life.
With God’s help, we also made several practical choices. First, we pared down our schedule. We had both been carrying full schedules before Ella was born; after her birth we realized our pace of life was not sustainable if we wanted to continue to have a healthy marriage. Michael took a break from graduate school, and while we kept attending a small group at church, we stepped down from leading it.
Secondly, we worked to share new experiences together. Parenting Ella was a new experience we loved, but we needed to continue to invest in our relationship as friends and lovers. Due to our exhaustion, date night had become routine—dinner at home and Shark Tank on the couch. So we mixed things up. We went to a matinee downtown. We went to a friend’s wedding without our daughter, even though she was invited. We took a vacation. These experiences offered new avenues within which our relationship could grow.
Marriage is about the God our marriage is meant to point to; it is about us looking and loving more like Jesus. Share on X
Thirdly, we went to a counseling and marriage retreat. With the help of a Christian counselor, we were given practical tools for how to grow together emotionally in this new season of life. We walked away from that week with a shared grid for how to encourage and support one another better.
But there’s no quick solution or easy answer to navigating these new waters since becoming parents. Our marriage has changed emotionally—as well as physically and practically—because we have changed. The transformation into becoming parents together has been a beautiful, stressful change for us, and with every new stage our daughter grows into, our marriage will have to grow as well. Our needs and hers are constantly shifting, and it will continue to take great intentionality and time—as well as heartfelt engagement with one another—to stay emotionally connected.
What does stay the same is God, along with the promises we made to one another at the altar so many years ago. We are committed to keeping our marriage as healthy as we can because, ultimately, our marriage isn’t about us. It is about the God our marriage is meant to point to; it is about us looking and loving more like Jesus; and it is also, now, about a little girl who is toddling around our home. That is worth our time, our love, our intentionality, and our commitment—in any season of life.
Read the full article here at Today’s Christian Woman!
When Michael and I got married, we had a lot of time to watch movies on the couch, take weekend trips away, and try new restaurants. Our marriage was at the front of our hearts, minds, and calendars; although we didn’t have a lot of money, we had time and creativity—two things more precious than any amount of gold.
Fast forward eight years and throw in a couple of demanding jobs, three grad school programs, a mortgage and a baby, and we discovered that there were two thousand other things that wanted to squeeze out that time and creativity that had been going into our marriage. Life got full. Too full. And our marriage was feeling the repercussions.
And so, to keep our marriage healthy and our lives sane, we stepped back and had to get really focused about making our relationship a priority. These ideas aren’t perfect, but they’ve helped us grow and maintain a marriage that we both love, and I hope they can encourage you, too!
1. We date each other. No, we don’t go out on elaborate dates every week. Or even once a month. But we do set aside one night every week that’s just for us. Because my husband often has evening meetings for work and I often have projects and grading at night, if we don’t carve out a specific time to meaningfully connect each week, it doesn’t happen. Some date nights are pizza and a movie on the couch, and some date nights I put on my heels and we walk around our city’s downtown, sharing ice cream and sitting in the park. Either way, we’re making us a priority.
2. We mix it up. You know that saying—“familiarity breeds contempt?” It doesn’t have to be true, but it can become true too easily if we fall into ruts in our marriage. If our time together is solely focused on managing a household, or if we only ever talk about work and how the kids are doing in school, we begin to feel disconnected and undervalued. One way to kick this pattern is to share a new experience together. See a show. Take some dance lessons. Try a new restaurant. When we step out of our zones of regularity, we get to see our spouse in a new light—something that can offer new opportunities for sparks to fly!
3. Two and Two. Over dinner, we often ask each other to share two feelings and two encouragements—an idea we stole from some of our friends. We each share about two distinct feelings we had during our day (“I felt excited when,” “I felt confused when,” etc.), and then we encourage our spouse in two ways (“I really appreciated that you took out the trash this morning,” “You looked so handsome today as you left for work.”) I’m always amazed at how far these little insights into each other’s days can help us connect meaningfully—and feel loved.
Marriage is a gift and a challenge, and as seasons of life change, other things will always seek to squeeze out the time we could give to our spouses. But with intentionality and cultivation, our marriages will grow—and flourish!
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Oaks & Oats // Amy Cornwell // Simplicity Relished
Rachel Rewritten // Trusty Chucks // Wear Flowers In Your Hair
She Lives Free // Elah Tree // Mandy Living Life
We are a group of independent women who are joining together to make this conference happen for two of our readers. The two recipients will only receive tickets to the event & are responsible for ALL other expenses, including but not limited to travel, lodging, meals, parking, etc. If for some reason either of the winners cannot attend the conference they will be expected to contact one of the hosts immediately so that another winner can be chosen.
My newest piece is over at RELEVANT today–a consideration of the importance of the Sabbath in our modern lives. I know that God’s heart is for us to be a people who rest Him and trust in Him, and I believe that observing the Sabbath is one of the key ways we can do that practically in our increasingly full lives.
I would love for you to click over, read through it, and let me know your thoughts. Do you observe the Sabbath? Why or why not?
