The Lens of Love: Writing and Rewriting Our Stories

This is the start of my newest piece for Grit & Virtue. You can read the full article here–it’s one of my favorites that I’ve written!

The Lens of Love at www.annswindell.com

My husband was at home with the baby and I was at the library when I experienced my first – and only – panic attack. It was Fall; the air outside was just beginning to thin and tumble, threading its way through newly-bare branches and alleyways. I remember that it was dark, painfully dark at 6 pm. I was tired.

I sat at one of the large tables in the reference section, my notes and books spread around me in a cluttered half-circle. I work best with large amounts of space and quiet, something nearly impossible to come by with a new baby. It was a gift to slip away to the quiet of the stacks and write the book I was working on; it was something I had missed, acutely, for months.

I don’t remember feeling particularly stressed or anxious, but I do remember the pattering in my chest that started like a whisper and progressed to cymbals. I couldn’t focus and had to turn off the computer. My breathing became narrow and superficial; I felt like I was falling down even as I straightened in my chair. The room started hovering like hummingbird wings, and I had to close my eyes and lay my cheek on the cool of the table. I wondered if I was having a heart attack or a stroke and if maybe this was how I would die, here in the quiet of the library.

[Spoiler alert–I’m still here! 🙂 You can read the rest of this piece at Grit & Virtue!]

 

Still Waiting by Ann Swindell

Picking Raspberries: A Summer of Abundance

Have you ever picked raspberries? We don’t live close to any wild raspberry bushes, but when we visited friends in the UK years back, they had raspberries growing in their backyard. The home they were renting had been built on land that was previously been part of a co-op garden, and although they didn’t tend the plants, raspberries still grew by the hundreds every summer.

Receiving God's Abundance with thankfulness! www.annswindell.com

We woke up on those first jet-lagged days of our time in England and found the kids in the backyard on a mini-trampoline. They begged us to help ourselves to the raspberries weighing the bushes down; there were too many to pick and the fruit often went bad before all could be picked or even eaten. We happily obliged.

Picking raspberries is a delicate process. The berries are often tucked in the bushes, and it easy to be pricked by the plant, a member of the rose family and full of tiny thorns. But picking the berries is ultimately a delicate process because the raspberries themselves are fragile. Pull too hard on a berry and the tiny cluster of drupelets–those little pods of juice–crush under the weight of your fingers and stain them a cherry red. Pull too gently and the berry refuses to part from its core.

The raspberries we picked in England tasted like sunshine and petals, like honeycombs and perfume. They were misshapen and lumpy, but their flavor was sweet and heady and full. And they came in a seemingly endless supply; every morning there were new berries big enough to be picked. We never bothered to wash them; they went into our mouths or a bowl on the table. I remember the richness I felt that summer, waking to a backyard full of raspberries I had never labored to plant. They were a profuse bounty to us, free and abundant. They were a gift.

This summer has felt like that–like a summer of picking raspberries we never planted. It has been a summer full of change for our family; we left a stable life in Chicagoland last month, and in a handful of days, we are moving to our new city and staring a whole new season of life. We have traveled this summer, we have lived with family, we have talked and dreamed and waited and prayed. And miraculously–I use that word intentionally and gratefully–God has provided for us in every way imaginable.

Because so many things this summer have felt fragile–and not just financially. The change of leaving our community and home, the tenderness of starting over again, the risk of saying yes to something totally new and unknown–these are fragile, breakable things. And I have felt my own flesh–those thorns of fear and anxiety and frustration–popping up in the midst of the fruit God is seeking to grow in me. 

But God is a master gardener. And he has gently blossomed the fruitfulness of his kindness and provision in our lives this summer, bringing the best out of what is difficult without crushing me in the process.

God will blossom fruitfulness in our lives, bringing the best out of what is difficult without crushing us in the process. Share on X

And although he didn’t have to do any of these things for us, as he has been asking me to trust him more, God has also taken care of us in abundant, beautiful ways. Our house sold without issue or hiccup. Our church sent us out graciously and generously. An unexpected bill was waived. A writing project came in. My husband was offered a wonderful job. Our apartment in our new city is wonderful and affordable–and close to family. We got to go on a wonderful vacation that we hardly had to pay for. Gifts and gifts and gifts, one piled atop another, generous abundance from a Father who sees us and knows our needs–and our hearts. I have been blown away and humbled by His provision in our lives this summer. At the start of it, we didn’t know where the money we needed would come from. Now, I’m looking back at the past three months, amazed by God’s generosity toward us. I shouldn’t be surprised, I know. This summer has been not a whisper but a shout from the Lord–it has been a reminder that He is in control, and that He is good.

God is good and He does good. Share on X

God is good and He does good. And had all of these things not come to pass this summer, God would ever remain good. Still, I am grateful–so deeply grateful–for this summer of provision. He is changing me, softening my edges and bearing fruit in me that I can’t bear on my own. He has carried us and cared for us in every imaginable way.

I woke up to a garden full of raspberries this summer, unexpected gifts given by his hand. I am so thankful.

The Gift of Celebration, The Gift of Friendship

Celebrate well

I’m a celebrator by nature. I love throwing parties, surprising people, and making up excuses to celebrate the people I love. I love being the one to gather friends together to show them why they are worthy of encouragement, attention, and time. Celebrating is a love language for me.

But my birthday falls in January, which, I’ve found, is not a great time to have a birthday if you like celebrating. For most of us, January is recovery month. We’re tired, we’ve used all our vacation time, we’ve made New Year’s resolutions that forbid us from eating sugar or carbs, we’re sick of seeing people, and we just spent a lot of money at Christmas. We’re tired of celebrating once January rolls around. We want to hibernate. We want to hole away.

Therein lies my problem; birthdays are special to me.

But then, last year, a friend asked me how I would feel most loved for my birthday. She wanted to celebrate me, she said. Even in her asking, I felt loved. And I told her the truth: I wanted to be with my closest friends, and I wanted to share a meal together. No gifts, no songs—just time gathered around the table.

And that is what happened, in the cold and dreary month of January. Ten of us shared a meal. We paid for babysitters so that our conversation could go deep; that in and of itself was a precious gift of time and money. Each friend surprised me by sharing an encouragement for my coming year of life. They told me how they saw Jesus at work in me, and they prayed for me. I sat there and felt deeply celebrated, and deeply welcomed into the new year of my life by the friends I loved the most. In my memory, it remains a holy and beautiful night.

To me, I have come to realize how that night encapsulates what is meant to be at the center of every gathering; in fact, what is meant to be at the heart of friendship. For true friendship is a kind of gathering. It is pulling people together around a shared table or on a soft couch, and it will cost us in time and even in money. True friendship means giving those things that my friends offered to me on my birthday night—time, encouragement, intentionality, welcome, love. And true friendship is celebration; it is seeing what is worthy of encouragement in those we love and declaring those things over them. It is seeing the presence of Jesus in the other and acknowledging his beauty through them.

Birthdays only happen once every twelve months, but gathering to celebrate those we love—to speak truth and hope and encouragement to them and over them—that can happen any time of the year. We can gather in coffee shops and pray for one another. We can gather on playgrounds and encourage one another. We can gather around kitchen tables and welcome one another. We can gather in restaurants and celebrate one another. And we can gather, always, and love one another—no matter where, no matter when. 

If this blog post was encouraging to you, I would be honored if you would consider partnering with me as a writerClick here to read more!

 

Small Home Hospitality: A Guest Post at (in)courage!

Today, I’m writing for (in)courage about being hospitable in a small home–our small home!

Ann Swindell-DailyGraceHospitality

Here is the start of the article. I would love for you to join me at (in)courage!

We have a small home — a split-level condo with two bedrooms and a galley kitchen that never seems to have enough counter space. I know that in most places in the world, our home size would be considered normal, or perhaps even large. But here in affluent suburbia where we live, our square footage is, comparatively, on the compact end of things.

Any time we have more than a handful of people over — such as this last weekend for my daughter’s first birthday party — we run out of seating quickly. Often, guests start spilling onto the stairs, sitting on steps when the couches and chairs are full.

My tendency, in the past, was to worry about the lack of space, to try and fix things by giving up my seat or finding another stool. Because when I saw people sitting on the stairs, my hospitality button got pushed: I didn’t feel like I could provide what my guests needed. I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable in my home — physically or socially — and I was concerned that our small home would make people feel cramped and unwelcome.

Read the rest of the article here!

 

The Timeliness of Fall

I love summer. A Midwesterner my entire life, summer has always been an elusive prize, a questionable gamble between the winters that are always just around the corner. But the freedom to wear sandals and shorts and the opportunity to leave the house without mittens and three layers of clothing is an elusiveness I have always been willing to chase. When the first signs of summer come in April, I am hesitant to embrace the summer fully, knowing the weather will argue with itself for several more weeks. But when May finally comes, I paint my toenails and wear my flip-flops, knowing that there are months ahead of sunshine.

Ann and Michael.FallBy August, I have all but forgotten about the precariousness of summer in the Midwest. It has been warm for three months, and I cannot remember the feel of close-toed shoes. Skirts and sunglasses are my staple; winter coats have been shoved to the back of the closet. And mittens? What are mittens?

But the past several days in my town have brought with them the first signs of fall—rainy afternoons, and even a few leaves that are turning red and yellow. I am starting to remember that winter does exist, and fall is the reminder.

Something happens in my soul every year when summer begins to fade. I start to remember my first days of school, jumping in piles of leaves with my sister, high school homecoming dances, and college football games. I begin to think backwards in time; I take time to remember.

And as I do this, I think of all of the falls and winters and summers and springs that have already taken place. I begin to think of the fading nature of life, and something in me is always surprised at the way that the seasons pass so quickly. I wonder where the summer went—how August is already over and September itself is disappearing. I think about how quickly winter will arrive and I am humbled by the thought of another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, another New Year and another calendar.

I am surprised to find that I am older, and that time affects me, too. I am reminded that my time on this earth is not endless, and that like the leaves on the trees around me, I too, will die. And this is why fall is timely in her arrival. She is a good teacher. Summer feels timeless; fall reminds me of the true nature of time. Her lessons are subtle but true, and I am trying, this year, to heed the education she offers.

The education is this: to know that death is near and not ignore it, but to live brilliantly in the days that are left. Although winter is imminent and sure, although the leaves on the trees will die, the beauty they offer in their fading is one of the most brilliant scenes in nature.

We can know that death is near and not ignore it, but live brilliantly in the days that are left. Share on X

And this is the truth each one of us faces every day; life on this earth is not endless. We will all have a winter to face, and some of us will meet that season sooner than others, sooner than we planned. But we have the opportunity to live our days with brilliance and beauty—and hope. Christ says that he came to give full life—abundant life—to those who walk in relationship with him (John 10:10). Walking in relationship with Jesus gives us the hope of eternal life and the reality of peace and assurance during our life on this earth. In a world that is confused and hurting, our lives with Jesus show the beauty and brilliance of life that is lived with joy, even when there is the constant possibility of death.

I do not know when I will die; none of us do. But fall beckons me to remember that while we will all face physical death, our lives can proclaim the life and truth of Christ—the one who gives us fullness of life on this earth and the next. That is something truly meaningful, and truly brilliant.

How FallPoints us to God (3)

 

The Lie of Feeling “Behind” in Life

You're not behind-in life

Michael and I are in a season that has required a lot of energy—both physical and emotional—from both of us. We are still getting this first year of parenting under our belts, and Ella has had three ear infections in three months (read: lots of interrupted sleep). Between our jobs, our parenting, our commitments to church, and our marriage, our proverbial plates are full. We love all that we do, and it’s more than some people do and much less than others. Either way, let’s just say that for us, life feels more than a bit stretched.

My tendency in seasons like this is to feel overwhelmed most of the time and carry that emotion as a burden. I fight anxiety or the nagging feeling of constantly being “behind.” This is an area of my life that I am seeking to surrender to God. It is a continual journey for me to say yes to God and declare that my feelings do not determine the truth. The truth is what God says, and he tells me that I am securely held in his hands.

I am not “behind” in life if I am in step with Christ. Next to him—with him—is the exact place I’m supposed to be. If his pace with me is slower than it is with my best friend or my colleague, it is not my responsibility to try to catch up to them. In doing so, I would leave Jesus behind. Similarly, if his pace with me is faster than it is with my friend or my neighbor and if I slow down rather than pressing ahead with him, I leave Jesus behind.

I am not “behind” in life if I am in step with Christ. Share on X

Now—truly—Jesus never leaves or forsakes us. I know that I can’t really leave Jesus behind. The one who “fills all in all” (Eph. 1:23) cannot be left behind. But I can move out of the place of peace he offers to me when I am constantly comparing myself to others or considering how my life measures up to theirs. That’s where this feeling of being “behind” comes from, when it comes down to it: comparison. Because if I am only considering my life in light of what Christ is calling me to, I won’t think about being behind—or ahead. My only goal will be staying in step with him.

Some of us feel behind because we’re not married yet, or we don’t have children yet, or we don’t have the career we want yet, or we don’t have the _____  yet. Fill in your own blank. That feeling of being behind can fill us with anxiety, even fear. We are afraid we are missing out on the life that we should have.

My question to you is this—Where is Jesus in your life? Are you ahead of him? Are you desperately looking for a spouse when he hasn’t yet clearly opened that season in your life? Are you imagining your life when you have three kids and the white fence, placing all of your hopes in a future that has not yet materialized? Are you running into opportunities that Jesus hasn’t granted to you? Slow down. Stay in step with him. Don’t run headlong into things that God doesn’t have for you. You will end up moving forward, sure enough, but without Jesus—and that is not really moving forward at all.

Are you behind him, dragging your feet against what you know he’s called you to? Is there some relationship that needs to be mended that you refuse to reconcile? Is there some leap of faith he is calling you to take in your work or your life that you are hesitating on the edge of? Take the leap—run ahead and into Jesus. There is no better place to be.

And if you’re in step with Christ—doing what you’re called to, seeking to grow with him—stay put. Even if those around you are running ahead or slowing their pace, you are exactly where you are meant to be: with Jesus. If, like me, you tend to worry about being “behind” in life, look over and see the one who loves you more than his own life. See Jesus. He has you where he has you because he loves you.

What does it look like for you to stay in step with Jesus in this season?