dating

My newest piece, “10 Things Every Newlywed Should Know,” is up at RELEVANT Magazine. It’s a letter I wrote to my newlywed self–one I wish I’d had for those early months and years of marriage. It’s also one that I would do well to re-read every day, as a reminder of what it means to live healthily and joyfully in a marriage that’s going to make it for the long haul. I hope it encourages you!

1. Repent and Forgive—Daily and Out Loud.

Marriage, in all of its glory, also brings up some ugly sins. When you know you have sinned against your spouse, humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. Out loud. And tell your spouse you forgive him or her—out loud.

Saying “I’m sorry” is different from asking “Will you forgive me?” Asking for forgiveness requires humility before God and your spouse that builds an incredible trust in marriage. Some days, you will need to repent to each other more times than you care to admit, and on those days it’s a good idea to go just to bed early and start over the next morning.

2. Lavish Your Time, Energy and Love on One Another.

There are seasons in life when you will be busier than you imagined. But if you have the time in these early months and years to spend together, take it! Enjoy one another, spend ridiculous amounts of time getting to know each other as husband and wife, laugh together, snuggle, share ideas, dream together out loud. Be one another’s biggest fans.

3. Enjoy Sex and Talk About it Together.

There’s a big learning curve in sex. It’s wonderful and difficult and fun and funny. Don’t forget that phrase your mentor told you: “there’s always an extra limb in sex that doesn’t fit anywhere!” But whatever you do, keep talking together about sex. Be gentle with the vulnerability offered from your spouse. Don’t blow anything off if your spouse brings it up; take it seriously. Satan wants to keep spouses silent in the broken places; by opening up about sex and talking through concerns and questions, you can avoid a lot of additional pain.

4. Find a Church Home and Plug In.

As important as it is to lavish on one another, ultimately, no marriage thrives well in a hermit hole. Find a community of believers and press in. Ask questions. Hang out with older married couples. Ask for help. Go to potlucks. Make friends and pursue those friendships.

Jesus loves the local church, and your marriage is a powerful part of what God is doing—in you and in the larger community you are a part of.

5. Set Aside a Date Night.

Once a week, minimum, for the rest of your lives. Build it into the budget. Intentionality equals trust and love.

Read the other five reminders over at RELEVANT!

It seems fitting, during this week of the year, that I have an article up at Darling Magazine entitled “Mom’s The Word: Dating Your Husband.” As a woman who became a wife and a mother during the month of May, seven years apart, writing this article reminded me afresh of the reasons why Michael and I are so committed to continuing to date. You can read it here, but I’m including the basics below:

The Whys

Time is a valuable gift.
Making time to date one another in a season of life that is very busy (and shows no signs of slowing down any time soon) is a priceless gift we can give our spouse. Time is a precious commodity to both of us, and when we willingly spend that time with one another, we are saying you are worth my time. And because our lives are made up of just that—time—we are saying, in essence, you are worth my life.

Dating Your Husband: The Hows & Whys Share on X

We invest in what we value.
If you’re like me and you’re not rolling in money, the components of getting a date with your spouse can seem too costly sometimes—paying for a date and a sitter can really add up. Yet, we invest in what we value; that doesn’t mean we have to spend loads of money to date, but we do have to invest in cultivating our relationship as a couple.

When we short-change our spouse, we short-change the family.
As a mom, I want Ella to have everything she needs (and more). But more than many other things, children want to know that their parents are in love and that they enjoy one another; this brings peace and stability to a home. Having a consistent date night doesn’t guarantee a healthy marriage, but it does offer intentional space to grow together as a couple.

The Hows

Intentional connection.
Date night won’t add much to a relationship if there is no real connection. While watching a TV show together can be fun, it’s also important to create space to talk and continue to get to know one another. We’ve even purchased books to help jumpstart these conversations—and we keep learning about each other in the process.

Keep it simple.
Sometimes, the thought of planning a date night—on top of everything else—can seem like a burden rather than a blessing. So, most of the time, we keep it simple: dinner at one of our regular spots, coffee at our favorite cafe. It’s not the place and the surroundings that matter—it’s the time you get with one another. If you’re stuck in a routine and you need to break out of it, look at the options at your local library or community college–many offer one-night classes where you can learn a new skill, such as a cooking class or an art class.

Sometimes, go fancy.
The caveat to keeping things simple is that there are times when a fancy night out or adventurous date is exactly what you both need. New experiences together are fun and bonding, so put on your heels, compliment his tie, and make a reservation at your favorite restaurant or go see a show together in the city! Or, if you’re more of the adventurous type, go to your local climbing wall and spend an hour with an instructor, learning how to climb. Take a salsa dancing class or a country-line dancing class. The options are endless!

Either way, make it happen.
Regardless of what you do, actually having a date together is the key. If Michael and I only had a date night on the weeks it was convenient, we would never get one. But we are committed to investing in our marriage in this way, and so we make it work, even if it’s a shared dessert at home after Ella goes to sleep or a walk at the park with her in a stroller while we talk.

How about you? Do you and your spouse have regular dates? What do they look like?