church lady blog

So You Say You’re a Church Lady: An Interview with Marlena Graves

July 21, 2014 by Ann 2 Comments

Today, in our continuation of the Church Lady series, we have the opportunity to hear from Marlena Graves, a fellow Redbud Writer and woman of faith! She is the Minister of Pastoral Care at her church, and also a powerful writer! In her writing, Marlena reflects on what it means to be a disciple of Jesus amid the beauty, wonder, and tragedy of this God-haunted world. She is a bylined contributor for Christianity Today’s Her.meneutics and Gifted for Leadership blogs and has contributed to many other publications. Her first book, A Beautiful Disaster: Finding Hope in the Midst of Brokenness (Brazos Press – Baker Books), came out in June. I am so thankful for her honesty and willingness to share her story with us today!

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1. Tell us a little bit about the church that you’re a part of.
My family and I moved here last August. My husband is a philosophy professor and was hired in for a tenure-track position at the local university. So in a week or so, we’ll have lived here one year.

We had a wonderful community where we lived and so we knew that a central part of our lives would be our church community in this new place. The church is our family, a means of grace in our lives. We’ve had wonderful experiences in churches, though we’ve seen the good, bad, and ugly because we’ve been a part of the leadership in one way or another in many of the churches we attended. So it was essential for us to find a good church. At first, we went to a church about a mile from our house because we wanted to be able to walk to church and because we appreciated the liturgy. But after some issues arose, we decided that it wasn’t the church for us. We then decided to go to St. Andrew’s United Methodist Church, a church just over a mile down the street (in the opposite direction). It’s about a twenty-minute walk.

We chose to go to St. Andrew’s because while we were attending the other church, the pastor of St. Andrew’s and his wife (who live close by) invited my husband and me to a small group. We couldn’t both attend because we had no one to watch our girls; we were new to the area. So, my husband offered to watch the girls while I attended the small group. I immediately fell in love with our group and their Jesus life. This past Christmas Eve, we decided to leave the first church and attend St. Andrew’s. It’s the first time we’ve ever left a church (aside from moving away) and I felt guilty about it because we tend to be terribly loyal through thick and thin. We had attended the previous church four months. Yet, St. Andrew’s is much more warmly hospitable and so we decided to attend. We are grateful we did. It has made all the difference in feeling a sense of belonging in this new town. We have a people—a place to belong and where we want others to belong.

2. What does it look like, in your life, to be an active part of your church?
This situation is a bit different. Throughout the winter, Shawn and I started attending another small group at our pastor’s house. This time, the church provided childcare in the pastor’s home so that we (and other couples with children) could both attend. While there, during a time of prayer, I mentioned that I needed to find a job in order to make ends meet (I had left a full-time job last year when we moved). The group prayed for me, and soon after I found out that the church was hiring two new people: a full-time Minister of Discipleship and a part-time Minister of Pastoral Care. Initially, I thought of applying for the full-time job. But, I had become pregnant with our third child, our third girl, and didn’t think it wise to work full-time. I applied for the pastoral care position. And to my great delight, I was hired.

I started in the middle of June. And I love it. My responsibilities mostly involve senior care, hospital and hospice visits, and funerals. My desire is that all of us would be enfolded in to the life of Jesus at St. Andrew’s and that everyone would be rendered visible, no matter one’s age, ability, or disability.

3. How are your unique gifts and abilities strengthened by being part of a local church?
You know, I’ve always seen myself as a physician of the soul and others have seen and treated me as such my entire life. I didn’t grow up with rigid complementary roles defined for men and women. It wasn’t until I attended a Christian college that I heard of such things. And in college I embraced it briefly (in theory more so than practice). But then I went to seminary and got my M.Div. and heard the other side—arguments for women in all church offices. I have friends who don’t think women should be pastors, friends who think women can be pastors but only if they are under men, and friends with opinions across the continuum. I deeply respect all of them. I let my life and my testimony speak for itself. I’ve been shepherding/pastoring in and out of the church for years. In fact, when my husband taught at a Christian university where the unofficial view was that women could not be pastors, several male professors asked me to be on the teaching/pastoral care team with them in an urban church plant. It was four other guys and me on this team. They, along with the church, saw and affirmed my gifts. Many of those who opposed my position in theory reconsidered when I ministered among them. And they are my friends. I’ve had both an inward calling and outward confirmation of my gifts.

Now, as I mentioned above, I’m working primarily with seniors. And I am thanking God because we all, at some point or other, render some people invisible. It’s as if past a certain age, we don’t “see” people if they aren’t related or close to us. (No doubt this is partly a function of our seemingly youth-obsessed American culture.) I’ve just been thanking God every day that he is allowing me to really see people – to love them and be loved by them. When we lived and worked on the college campus where my husband taught, I remember thinking: “I love these college students, but I wish there were elderly people around, a more intergenerational culture.” I’m excited to learn from them, be loved by them, and to return that love. They are all precious in God’s sight. We all are.

4. How has being part of a church challenged and changed you?
Throughout most of my church and Christian experience I’ve had the opportunity to be around those who think very differently from me. I’ve been in churches, ministries, and educational institutions where people had different political and theological opinions – not when it comes to the central tenets of the faith, but other issues. Not too long ago my husband and I (and now it is climbing to about fifty others) were treated badly by an aggressive fundamentalist faction in the leadership at the Christian college where we worked. Through their scheming and maneuvering, they were successful in overthrowing the institutional leadership and nearly two departments on campus on which we were a part. Now, by their confession, those aggressive and scheming fundamentalists are part of the church. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ and I had to learn how to love those who treated us and our friends, coworkers, and superiors badly. I had to set aside retaliation. It’s hard to love people in the church who aren’t acting like Jesus. At the same time, it makes me doubly cautious and conscientious. I don’t want to become like that which I despise. So, I am challenged to love the church, not a nameless group of people, but the people around me when they don’t act as I think Jesus would or should. That is a real challenge. And I need grace to do it.

5. Why do you value church? What do you love about church?
I love the church because it contains many of the most beautiful and brilliant souls in existence. Sure, there are those who act like serpents. But there are so many who act like Jesus and have been Jesus to me. They have loved me into resurrection. Most of those who I admire and who have formed me by their lives—whether they be living or dead for centuries—have been a part of Christ’s body, part of that “great cloud of witnesses.” I owe much of the goodness in me to God’s spirit working through them. I wouldn’t be who I am without the church. I also love that I can find Jesus in all sorts of denominations and that he doesn’t play favorites with his affections. He loves our Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox brothers and sisters (of course!) and our Protestant brothers and sisters. I’ve seen him in all such quarters. Jesus isn’t prejudiced like we can sometimes be, showing favoritism or displaying partiality to a privileged few. So, I love the church because Jesus shows up through his people. In the church, in the members of the church, I see Jesus and I am changed. And I hope that people see Jesus in me and are changed by interacting with him. That is my prayer.

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Marlena, thank you so much for sharing your life with us today! Your heart for those who are often not seen in our society is beautiful and reflects God’s heart! Make sure to hear more of Marlena’s heart in her book, A Beautiful Disaster.

Filed Under: So You Say You're a Church Lady Series, Writing Tagged With: a beautiful disaster, author, church lady, church lady blog, Marlena Graves, Redbud Writers

So You Say You’re a Church Lady: An Interview with Rachel Olson

July 14, 2014 by Ann 1 Comment

Well, this Church Lady series keeps heartening and challenging me–I hope it is doing the same for you! Today we get to heart from the wonderful Rachel Olson. I met Rachel at the Hope Spoken conference this last spring, and she was a joy to interact with right off the bat. We talked about life and ministry and her sweet son, and I felt so welcomed in her presence. Rachel is a woman after God’s heart, and I’m excited for you to hear from her today! Connect with Rachel on her blog or on Instagram, too.

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1. Tell us a little bit about the church that you’re a part of.
Our wonderful church of 300 members sits on the outskirts of our small Michigan town. My husband, Josh, was assigned to be an associate pastor here after he graduated from Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary in 2010. Our church is one of over 1,700 congregations all over the world that make up the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod. Both Josh and I have been WELS members for our entire lives and this entire church body, the people and the work being done in Jesus’ name, is very important and special to us!

2. What does it look like, in your life, to be an active part of your church?
You know the lady who comes running into church as the service is starting with a little one on her hip, wet hair, and cracker crumbs on her shoulder? That is me sometimes. In the early years of my Josh’s ministry, I was involved quite a bit “behind the scenes” but was somewhat limited in what I was able to help with as mamahood needed to come first. What an encouragement it was to me that our congregation accepted that with such ease and grace! Now that my son is a bit older, I help coordinate our youth Sunday School program, organize fellowship and outreach events, and take part in various ladies groups and Bible classes. My biggest involvement in our church is supporting my fantastic, hard working husband in his role as pastor. He always says that he couldn’t do what he does without my help and support. What a joy and privilege!

3. How are your unique gifts and abilities strengthened by being part of a local church?
One unique gift I have been given is the ability to chat with anyone and everyone about anything at anytime. J I am a people person, a cheerleader, an encourager. My goal on Sunday mornings and all throughout the week is to greet people with a smile, ask questions, and truly connect with them. As time has passed since we began serving here, I have been able to go from simple, easy small talk with church members or people in the community to more deep and meaningful conversations with them. I hope that means I am a trusted person in their life. I truly love my church family and want to know each and every one of them. Some relationships have come easy and others I really have to work at, but they are all precious to me. I am in awe that God can use me (me!!) to impact and encourage these beautiful, flawed, redeemed-by-Jesus people.

4. How has being part of a church challenged and changed you?
Let me tell you a secret. I never planned on being a pastor’s wife because I married a carpenter. Well, God’s plans are certainly not our plans! And they blow ours out of the water with goodness and grace. Two years into our marriage, my husband felt very strongly about going to Seminary so we switched gears and here we are! Over the past four years, we have had some ups and downs, hurts and frustrations in our ministry, but that is expected in a sinful world that needs a Savior. Being a pastor’s wife has taught me that it’s not about me. At all! It is about sharing Jesus and loving others well. Even when it’s hard. Even when it feels like we aren’t getting anywhere. Even when we are tired or discouraged. Those are the times that we lean even more into the arms of our Lord who is Love and Strength and Peace. He will carry us through.

5. Why do you value church? What do you love about church?
Church has forever been and will always be important to me because it is the body of Christ. Jesus is the head and the Church is His body. I certainly want to be a part of this unique and beautiful mystery designed by God! My prayer every day, for myself and for our entire church, is for guidance, courage, and opportunities to be His hands, His mouth piece, His feet. I want everything we do and say to be for His glory. I love that this work of ministry does not rest on one person’s shoulders, but instead as a group we can come together and function as one.

Church is a gift and it is a giver. It is both. I come and am filled up so that I can serve and give and live for Him.

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Rachel, thank you so much! You are a woman of grace and joy, and I’m so thankful for the ways that you love God and his people so well. Thanks for opening up your heart and life with us today; I’m so glad I know you!

Filed Under: So You Say You're a Church Lady Series Tagged With: adoptive family, blessed by his hand, church, church lady, church lady blog, ministry, pastor's wife, women in ministry

So You Say You’re a Church Lady: An Interview With Kristi James

July 7, 2014 by Ann 2 Comments

Friends, you are in for a treat today. Kristi James of And Babies Don’t Keep is here today for the Church Lady series I have been running on Mondays. I have connected with Kristi through social media and–let me tell you–this woman is choosing Jesus! I love hearing her heart for the church and I think you’ll agree with me that her yes to God is beautiful because it is costing her something–and yet it is a sacrifice she is willing to give Him because He is worthy! If you don’t know Kristi, you can connect with her at her blog, on Facebook, or through Twitter and Instagram! She’s a woman worth getting to know.

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1. Tell us a little bit about the church you’re apart of.

Duff and I are planting City Church, in Asheville, NC. We moved here 3 years ago (after being asked by our Presbytery) and spent about 6 months getting to know (and falling in love with) the city before officially starting. We did what we said we’d never do – a parachute plant – which means we dropped in on our own, without a core group waiting for us. Asheville is a phenomenal city, and while it’s in the south, it’s more eclectic than most of the surrounding areas. So if we’re going to use the Bible Belt metaphor, Asheville might be the handmade belt buckle (think hipster, not cowboy), rather than part of the actual belt itself.

That’s to say that things are different here, including our church plant. We gathered a core group over the first couple of years, and then watched half of them leave, over time, for more stable jobs. God has done so many things along the way to remind us that this is his church, he loves it more than we can imagine. That helps a great deal as we’ve watched friends leave town or felt especially small or alone. At this point, we’re made up of about 20 people, meeting Sunday afternoons for worship and Wednesday evenings in a small group setting. Ultimately, we want to be a church where people can explore the claims of Jesus, experience the grace of God in community, employ their resources for the glory of God and the welfare of our city, and extend the hope of Jesus to Asheville and beyond.

2. What does it look like, in your life, to be an active part of your church?
Being an active member of a church is SO good. It took until halfway through college for me to understand that. Also, I worked at a church after college, so I was expected to be there, and that helped me settle into the habit of church, which lead me to a deeper appreciation for not just being present, but being involved.

So today, I’m the church planter’s wife and I have three young kids (Olivia is 4, Eliza is almost 3, and Piper is 5 months old). So sometimes what it looks like is me, walking into church feeling lonely (because Duff has been gone all day) and needy (because…kids…) and walking out a few hours later knowing that I’m not alone, after watching our church family love my biological family well.

As far as what I do for/with/at church, I coordinate the childcare (terribly, I might add), I/we offer our home several times a week for official and unofficial church stuff. I used to lead our women’s small group but we split that up in preparation for Piper’s birth, so sometimes I lead and sometimes I have the privilege of soaking up what my friends have to share with us from scripture.

Mostly? I feel like my biggest responsibility is caring for Duff. Listening as he works out his sermons, freeing him to go drive through the mountains if he’s wrestling with something, being frustrated with him when things aren’t going the way we’d like, celebrating with him when things fall into place, and reminding him that while his calling in this is unique, he’s not alone. I don’t do that perfectly, by any means, but it’s my favorite part.

3. How are your unique gifts and abilities strengthened by being part of a local church?
At our former church, there were multiple pastors and multiples pastor’s wives and I was the youngest by at least 12 years. I wasn’t really needed like we sometimes picture the pastor’s wife being needed (to play piano and make casseroles), which was nice, in a way. But here, we’re it. And I think that’s been good for both of us. When your church family is looking at you to teach, you teach. And then you realize that you kind of love that. When someone in your church has a new baby, you walk through that adjustment, reminding them that while you’ve got three now, once upon a time, you only had one, and you felt alone and confused and totally delighted all at once, too. When a couple needs some help working through issues in their marriage, you have them over, and you and your counselor-husband listen to them and encourage them and pray with them.

I would say that being here in this role has allowed (and required) me to stick my toe in the waters of things I hoped I could do, like teaching and writing and being passionate about reminding each other that we are dearly loved children.

4. How has being part of a church challenged and changed you?
Being part of a church can be so hard! And I think sometimes we’re surprised by that. When I was in college, I went through a break-up that changed everything for me (for the better, actually). But afterwards, I would sometimes see this guy at church. For an entire year, I felt sick to my stomach driving to church, and I’d pray, “God please help me be a woman of grace and ease. Please help me be a woman of grace and ease. Please help me to not throw up, and please help me be a woman of grace and ease.” I felt most vulnerable in the place where I wanted to feel the safest.

But I kept going. Because I needed church, even though it was hard. I wasn’t always immediately welcomed by people who made me feel super comfortable. I didn’t always feel known or even noticed by my pastor. It took work! But it was something I needed to be able to make it through the week. Duff talks about God’s people coming in, gathering together to remember God’s truth, to be sent back out. And I needed that, I needed to come in and be reminded, so that I could go back out.

I don’t always feel such intense feelings about church. Like most Christians, sometimes it’s hard for me to want to go. But I choose to go, to stay, to commit, because God says that’s the best way to live. It’s like being part of your family. You’re bound together, and that doesn’t mean it’s always easy or comfortable, or that people are always good and kind, but when you’re committed it means you can make it through mistakes and brokenness and find love and safety within the bounds of that family.

5. Why do you value church? What do you love about church?
Guys, this is kind of hard for me to write! All of these questions are. Church is hard right now. Church planting is vulnerable business and I’m kind of tired of being vulnerable. In Genesis, when God makes the covenant with Abraham, he cuts and animal in half and lays it open. Normally, when making a covenant, the two parties would walk through together, as if to say, “May this happen to me if I break this covenant, if I don’t keep my end of the deal.” When God made the covenant with Abraham, he passed through it alone, as if to say, “I’m covering your half. You cannot do this. You would be laid out like this if you tried. But I will do it for you. I’ll cover my part and yours.” I know this is kind of a jump, but on the hard days, I feel laid out like that animal. I know I can’t keep my end of the deal. I can’t make this church happen or be the perfect wife or mom. Church planting highlights all of the hard truths for me.

When I feel laid out, cut in two, wide open and vulnerable, that picture of God passing through, covering all parts, is incredibly comforting. Often the church is the biggest source of anxiety in my life. But I love it fiercely because it is also where I am directed to my only relief, my only hope.

I value the church because Jesus did. Jesus said this church is my bride. It’s a messy, unfaithful, screwed up bride but I love her and I’ll do anything to hold her close. I’ll pass through both sides of the animal for her.

So, while I know that Jesus loves me,
Kristi James,
wife of Duff
and mom to Liv, Eliza, and Piper,
she who doesn’t really like chicken but could eat tacos every day,
she who can’t spell vinaigrette without spellcheck,
and she who thought she was “campy” but turns out to be “glampy…”

I also know that it’s not just about me and him, Jesus and me, it’s about us, his people, his ecclesia, his church. We are not alone in this, he’s given us to each other, and I love that. I won’t miss out on that.

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Kristi, you’ve got such a great heart! Thank you for making the time to articulate your insights for us–I am so thankful! Go get to know this powerhouse woman more over at her blog!